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UFC 147: Silva vs. Franklin II — Live Results and Commentary

(“You look very familiar, bro. Verrrrry familiar.” / Image via

The UFC makes its first stop in Belo Horizonte, Brazil, tonight for an extraordinarily cursed card that, let’s face it, we probably wouldn’t be watching if it wasn’t our job. Wanderlei Silva is fighting Rich Franklin again, this time at a 190-pound catchweight. (Also known as “middleweight plus.”) Fabricio Werdum is battling fellow big-man Mike Russow. And some guys from TUF Brazil are fighting too, although not all of the ones who should be. It is what it is. I’m guessing that very few of you will be buying this card, but if you’re out doing something more interesting tonight, please use your smart phones to follow along when you can.

Handling the thankless liveblog duties for this evening is Anthony Gannon, who will be layin’ down round-by-round updates from the UFC 147 pay-per-view main card after the jump, beginning at 10 p.m. ET. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest. And to prevent this from becoming the least-commented CagePotato liveblog of all time, I encourage you to use the comments section to discuss anything that comes to mind. Seriously, it doesn’t have to be UFC related. I’ll give you a topic to start off with: Germany invaded Poland earlier today. Do you think America should get involved?

Please stand by…

UFC 146, son! Bring on the wings, Natty Ice, and some of dem ho’s, cause I’m fittin’ to lose my mind. Up in here. Up in here. Oh wait, UFC 146 was last month. This is UFC 147, ya know, the one that should be free on the FUEL channel no one gets, right after All-Star Bass Fishing. Yep, they only bring me out for the important shit.

I’m not going to go so far as to say that UFC 147 is a suck-ass card, per se, but it’s certainly not worthy of $ 50. Hell, that Grant can be used to buy so many other things: a night of serious drinking at the local bar (happy hour of course), an intimate dinner for two at Denny’s, or, if you’re fortunate enough to find a massage joint randy enough to specialize in over 50 masseuses, a nice rub n’ tug.  Hey, don’t knock experience, bitch. That shit counts.

This card is so bad it’s rumored that the UFC didn’t even bother sending Rogan and Goldy down for it. Instead, Goldy’s role is being filled by a Magic 8 ball with uber-white bottom teeth programmed with redundant phrases like, “These guys train hard, Joe.” Rogan will be replaced with a hologram set to repeat, “Nice leg kick” every 19 seconds.

Previously scheduled to be Silva vs. Vitor Belfort, this is a much better fight for Wandy. Rich Franklin is a bad dude, but he aint a killer like Vitor. I know we all love Wandy n’ all, but let’s be honest, Vitor would give him a severe beating ala Colonel Braddock on General Yin. It wasn’t that Yin was a chump. Quite the contrary. But Braddock was just a much better fighter, plus Yin put a rat in a bag and tied it to Braddock’s head, while hanging him upside down with his hands tied behind his back. Such acts tend to have a lasting effect on people and make them a tad vengeful. Incidentally, seven years of confinement, torture, and malnutrition didn’t much affect Braddock physically as he was able to easily beat Yin to death before he bounced up outta that piece.

Anyway, if recent history is any indication, though, tonight’s fights should be kick ass. The worse a card looks on paper, the better the fights are. It’s like a cosmological joke, or something. So let’s get pumped for a phenomenal card, because hot DAMN does this one look like dog shit.

We begin with a scan of the crowd, and they look fired up. Apparently no one told the Brazilians that this is a weak card. Rogan and Goldy play up the significance of the main event. And it’s very difficult to take Rich Franklin seriously when that hair makes him look like Lloyd Christmas.

Yuri Alcantara vs. Hacran Dias

Holy shit, Buffer busts out some Portuguese.

Round 1: God Arianny is hot. Here we go. Yuri fakes a kick. He charges forward, Dias pushes him into the cage, going for a trip, eventually gets it. He peppers Yuri with a few shots. Dias looking to take Yuri’s back. Now he’s on top, looking for a head and arm triangle, but the cage is in his way. Yuri is out of trouble, but still has Dias on top of him. Dias blasts him with an elbow. Yuri is up, but Dias slams him back to the mat. He’s in Yuri’s full guard. Dias controlling Yuri, but not doing much damage. Now Dias lands a few good ones. Yuri reverses out and is on Dias’ back, kneeing him in the ass. Dias has a standing Kimura, and they break. They end the round by trading kicks.

Round 2: Flying knee by Dias, skims Yuri. Yuri misses a hook. Dias misses a leg kick. Yuri lands a body kick and clinches, tries to take Dias down but ends up on the bottom. Shitty break. Dias working the body. Lands a decent elbow. Yuri goes for an armbar, looks pretty nasty, but Dias is out. He jumps back into Yuri’s guard. Yuri looks eerily relaxed down there. Someone needs to tell him he’s losing this fight. Dias passes to half guard. Yuri is back to his feet. Dias is having none of that and takes him down again. He’s in half guard, trying to pass to mount, but Yuri is hanging tough. Dias is dropping elbows, mostly being blocked. They get stood up for lack of action. Dias with a front kick. Yuri with a nice straight left, but he’s now down two rounds to none.

Round 3: Yuri looks like someone gave him a lude. He needs to get going. He lands a shot. Then misses a combo. Yuri lands a kick. Dias to the body in return, then hits a leg kick. Yuri misses with a huge bomb. Dias kicks the body, Yuri catches it and shrugs it off. Leg kick checked by Yuri. Dias has Yuri against the cage, scores another takedown. He peppering Yuri with little shots to the head. Yuri is up, and Dias plants him yet again. He’s in Yuri’s guard, and the crowd is getting restless. They get stood up again. Now with 40 seconds left, Yuri comes alive. He’s on top, in half guard, lands some decent shots. Too little too late, more than likely. We go to the judges.

Dias wins unanimous decision, 29-28, 30-27, and 30-27.

Next up is Fabricio Werdum vs. Mike Russow

Russow roles out to ‘Simple Man.’ Sweet.

While we have a minute, walkout music needs to be addressed. It pretty much sucks ass and is getting progressively worse. Why wouldn’t a guy come out to ‘Run to the Hills’ by Iron Maiden? That song makes me want to drop indiscriminant bombs on unsuspecting villagers. Some of these songs make me want to snuggle up on the couch with a Marcel Proust novel and a cup of hot cocoa. With marshmallows. I’m just waiting for someone to come out to Air Supply. Granted, one would be hard pressed to find a lovelier tune than ‘I’m All Outta Love,’ but you’re only supposed to listen to that shit in the confines of your car with the windows securely shut, like any decent person. This issue is imperative to the future of the sport and needs to be addressed at the next fighter summit.

Round 1: Herb Dean is the ref and we’re set to go. Russow charges forward with a couple short jabs. Werdum grabs Russow and delivers a knee. They clinch, and separate. Russow with a nice hook. Werdum with a huge leg kick, then a left to the face. He lands a right too. A big uppercut drops Russow, and Werdum commences to batter Russow’s head with hammer fists. Herb kindly steps in and halts the action.

Russow is a tough guy, but this is what happens when you match a part time fighter against a Top 10 heavyweight.

Werdum takes home a TKO victory at 2:28 of the first round.

Godofredo Pepev vs. Rony Mariano is up next.

Rony is crying on his way to the cage, wearing a Jason mask to boot. Very cool contrast of emotions.

See this is what I’m talking about. Fredo rolls out to Disturbed. Nice.

These cats are scrapping to be the featherweight TUF: Brazil winner. Mike Goldberg gives us a sociology lesson on humble beginnings and what winning this would mean.

Round 1: Fredo pushes forward with a right, clinches Rony against the cage. He delivers a knee. Rony answers with a knee of his own. Fredo charges again, has Rony against the cage. Fredo actually pulls guard. He’s looking for a Kimura. Rony is free. Fredo delivers a few punches to Rony’s back. Rony is just holding on for dear life. They get stood up. Rony misses a head kick by a mile, but lands a nice leg kick. Fredo jumps in and catches a flying knee to the grill. He then pulls guard again and lands a few elbows to the dome. Fredo is pretty active down there, but he ends the round on the bottom.

Round 2: Leg kick by Fredo. Rony with a jab to the body. And another. Fredo misses a high kick, but lands a left. Another body jab by Rony. Rony misses an overhand right, and they tie up. Fredo pulls guard again. Rony finally realizes he’s allowed to strike from top position, lands an elbow. Fredo is up. Fredo charges forward wildly, and eats a coupe shots for his effort. Rony lands a nice left. Fredo with a leg kick. Rony kicks to the body, Fredo catches it and throws him off. Fredo lands a left hook, and a jab. Rony with a nice overhand right. Fredo misses a spinning back fist. Damn, Rony misses a wheel kick to end the round.


UFC on FX 4: Guida vs Maynard — Live Results and Commentary

(I don’t see any braids, homeboy.) 

Tonight, the UFC makes its ever glorious return to FX, and if the undercard is any indication, we are in for a night of action packed goodness, Potato Nation. Clay Guida and Gray Maynard will battle for a spot amongst the endless string of lightweight contenders, and Spencer Fisher will be battling for his dignity against Sam Stout. Our very own Jared Jones will be liveblogging everything as it goes down, so join him as he recaps all the action as it plays out, won’t you?

Ross Pearson vs. Cub Swanson

Before we get started, I would just like to say that I told you so concerning Hatsu Hioki. Nah Nah Nah boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.

God Damn was Cub Swanson’s TKO of George Roop brutal. That said, I got Pearson all day on this one.

Round 1: And we are underway. Pearson with a left hook. Cub is trying to get in and out. Pearson throws a knee that’s off the mark. Leg kick misses for Swanson. Pearson with a nice takedown, but Swanson gets to his feet quickly. Very nice. Swanson lands a right that sends Pearson spinning, then throws a beautiful elbow. Don’t you fuck my Parlay already, you British bastard. Swanson with an uppercut that partially lands. Swanson nails Pearson with a capoeria style kick as he falls to the mat, then throws a couple upkicks. Pearson wades right through them and lands a couple punches of his own, and Swanson gets back to his feet. A couple nice combinations, but mostly feints from both men. Swanson lands a nice straight right and the round is over.

Round 2: They trade leg kicks to start the round. Pearson with a nice pair of jabs. Swanson lands a nice right, and then a spinning punch (?). Hell of an exchange; I’m having trouble keeping up. Anyway, Person lands a takedown, but Swanson gets up as Pearson goes for his back. Right hand Swanson. Pearson looks cut. Nice left by Pearson. Both these guys are displaying some great chins. Swanson throws a kick that Pearson catches and turns into a takedown. Swanson lands another nice upkick before Pearson moves into his guard, postures, and lands some nice GnP. Nice inside elbows from pearson, followed by a couple almost-as-nice body shots. Swanson to his feet, and Pearson lands a nice left…and SWANSON LANDS A LEFT HOOK THAT KNOCKS PEARSON DOWN!!! Motherfuckersonofabitch!!! Pearson was battered, and definitely seemed to be dazed, but was going for a takedown when Yves dove in. Either way, nice win for Swanson. Florian compares his athleticism to Jose Aldo. I’m laughing so hard that I nearly pee’d, yet somehow crying that my parlay is already fucked at the same time.

Cub Swanson def. Ross Pearson via TKO at 4:14 of round 2

Enough with the FOX football music. ENOUGH!!

Brian Ebersole vs. TJ Waldburger

The tale of the tape informs us that Waldburger has age on his side, but Ebersole has number of chest hair shaped arrows on his. You tell me which counts more.

Round 1: TJ lands a left hook, then a nice straight left that drops Ebersole! TJ in half guard, working for mount. He’s got it; not good for Ebersole. Ebersole is trying to push off, but Waldburger locks in a tight D’arce in the scramble! WOW. Ebersole is turning purple, but gets out and to his feet. Amazing escape. Nice body shot by Ebersole. Leg kick Waldburger, and they clinch. Nice elbow on the break by Ebersole. Body kick TJ. Both men land in an exchange, then a nice right by Waldurger. Ebersole answers with a left. Ebersole tries for a takedown but is firmly denied. Good round, but I’d give it to Waldburger easily.

Round 2: TJ starts with a left, then grabs a double and gets Ebersole down. TJ goes for the back but Ebersole spins him around and gets his own. Ebersole going for an omaplata, but Ebersole pulls out and lands a nice right, then a couple elbows. Now Waldburger goes for an armbar. Man, this kid is really something to behold off his back. Very similar to Tim Credeur in his constant attack/transitions. Ebersole escapes again and tries to land some punches, but TJ throws up a triangle now. Ebersole backs off and gets into full guard. Waldburger throws up another armbar attempt. Waldburger locks up a triangle after Ebersole lands a couple punches. Now Waldburger switches for a reverse triangle, but Ebersole breaks free and lands some nice strikes. Ebersole ends the round with some powerful punches from the top.

Round 3: Waldburger catches Ebersole coming in with a left hook, and Ebersole goes for the Muay Thai clinch and nails him with an elbow. Ebersole tries his patented cartwheel kick, but it is miles from the mark. TJ looks tired, and Ebersole goes in for a single. He gets it easy. Yep, Waldburger is definitely tired. TJ throws up another triangle, but it’s a little loose. He’s gotta shift position, but Ebersole breaks out and takes his back for a second. Back to full guard with a minute left. Walburger looking for a sweep, but Ebersole is looking real smooth on top. Ebersole lands a few hammerfists and a big left as the round ends. Ebersole really turned it around those last two rounds; I’d probably give it to him.

Brian Ebersole wins by UD (29-28×3) 

Spencer Fisher vs. Sam Stout

I have some high expectations for this one, Potato Nation, as I’m sure you do.

Round 1: Nice left by Fisher to start. Body shot Stout. The combinations are quick on both ends, go figure. Nice right by Stout, but Fisher smiles and hits him a little low. Leg kick checked by Fisher. Nice right by Fisher, but Stout lands a counter left. Another nice left by Fisher, who is looking real sharp right now. Left hand Stout, but Fisher lands a right hook. Leg kick Stout, who lands a takedown and moves into guard. Stout tries to land some elbows, but they are blocked by Fisher. They get to their feet, and Stout immediately grabs a takedown. Spencer gets to his feet quickly this time. Both men land inside leg kicks, and Fisher lands a spinning backfist to end the round.

Round 2: Stout starts with an inside leg kick. Nice combo by Stout, answered by Fisher. Stout goes for a double, but gets denied. A good straight left by Fisher. Fisher lands another left as Stout goes for a body kick. Hard right hook by Stout, then a body shot. Right hand Fisher. Nice left hook from Stout, who’s going for the same right hook to the body, left up high that he KO’d Yves Edwards with. Stout lands a low blow that halts the action temporarily. After the break, Stout lands a takedown, and finishes the round in Fisher’s guard, likely taking the round.

Round 9 (you know what I mean): Fisher’s corner is calling for the knockout, and he lands a spinning elbow and a left. Fisher presses Stout to the cage, and Stout misses an inside trip. Nice overhand right from Fisher that lands. Stout has a decent sized mouse under his right eye, and Fisher is landing on it over and over again. Nice right by Stout, who follows shortly thereafter with a body and leg kick back to back. Another body kick by Stout, but Fisher answers with a right. Straight left by Fisher. Stout rushes in on a double and gets it. Fisher trying to wall walk, and manages to get to his feet. Left hook Stout, who rushes in for another takedown,which he grabs after a little resistance. Stout into half guard. Wow, quick stand up by Kevin Mulhall. Fisher with a nice right, and both men are swinging for the fences. Fisher gets cut as the bell rings.
And takedowns win the day again.

 Sam Stout by Unanimous decision in a hell of a fight. 

As with Josh Thompson and Gilbert Melendez, I could watch these two fight at every UFC event until the end of time.

And it’s main event time…

Gray Maynard vs. Clay Guida

Guida comes out to “Walk” by Pantera. I now want Guida to win times a million bajillion. Maynard comes out to some autotuned Rap affair, which only confirms my decision. Dammit Buffer, please don’t remind us that we’re in New Jersey. Guida’s hair looks…odd. His staredown, on the other hand, is shit-your-pants intense. Interesting that KenFlo is commentating, being that he’s fought both men.

Round 1: Crowd chanting Guida immediately. Maynard lands a stiff left, then wings a right by Guida. Guida somehow has already cut Maynard on his nose. Lead left hand Maynard. Guida is moving like a coked up Cirque du Soleil performer, but isn’t throwing a lot. Maynard is just a bit short on most of his punches, and can’t seem to get Guida’s rhythm down, go figure. Guida lands a 1-2, but Maynard counters. Maynard goes low, and Guida follows with a body kick. The two juke it out to end the round.

Round 2: Guida pokes Maynard in the eyes at the start of the round, but action restarts quickly. Guida is all over the fucking place, and Maynard seems a bit puzzled. Nice right by Guida, then another looping overhand. Maynard needs to start pressing the action and throwing some multi-punch combos or go for a takedown. Mike Pyle agrees with this notion, and considering he just dicknailed Josh Neer, Maynard should follow his advice. Head kick from Guida that is partially blocked. Maynard whiffs a big right, and the crowd is sporadically booing. Head kick lands by Guida, but Maynard isn’t fazed. Maynard lands a couple nice punches to end the round but the crowd is really emphasizing their disappointment.

Round 3: Crowd is booing to start the round. Guida lands a knee, but Maynard with a crisp right. Guida needs to do less bouncing and more punch throwing. He obliges, and lands a couple nice jabs. Finally Gray shoots for a takedown, but is firmly denied by Guida. Guida shoots for a single but is also denied. Maynard is lifting his hands ala either Diaz in frustration. I feel you there, bro. Gray misses a huge right, and Guida lands a jab. Gray is just chasing Guida around instead of cutting off the cage. Nice right by Maynard, who is complaining about another eye poke, but gets no response from Miragliotta. Crowd is chanting Guida for some reason. Maynard lands a nice knee, but Guida backs out ala Carlos Condit as the round ends. Maynard is fucking pissed.

Round 4: Guida lands a short left, then a quick 1-2. Maynard tries to clinch and lands a knee after a failed takedown attempt. It’s two and a half minutes in and not much has landed from either fighter. Guida slips a left hook and the crowd is still on edge. Anytime Maynard even gets Guida in a corner he is literally sprinting out of it. Maynard with a short left and is now talking a little shit. Gray lands some knees in the clinch, and is now going full on Diaz on Guida, hands down and talking shit. Guida is suddenly caught off guard, as he just landed a flush right that Maynard walked right through. Maynard stuffs a takedown and goes for an arm in guillotine that looks deep, but Guida slams his way out of it and the round ends. Badass display by Maynard.

Round 5: Crowd now chanting Maynard, and for good reason. It’s like Rocky 4 up in this bitch. Maynard lands a right. Gray throws a right hook and a half ass flying knee. Maynard looks much fresher than he did against Edgar. Guida lands a good kick and combo, but Maynard answers with a hard right hand. Maynard misses a single leg attempt, and resorts back to chasing Guida like he’s his older brother on the playground. Guida with a left. Guida is running like a scared dog, and Miragliotta gives him a warning for doing so. Right hand by Maynard lands. I hate to come off as bias, but Guida is fighting not to lose, and Maynard is trying to finish this. Maynard goes for a single, and has Guida pressed up against the cage. Maynard throws a couple knees from the clinch and the two dance around and throw a couple punches that hit mostly air as the round ends.

If Guida wins this, I don’t even know…

Gray Maynard wins by Split Decision, proving that at least one MMA judge in every fight couldn’t see water if they fell out of a boat. 

Well, that’s it for me, Potato Nation. Thanks for joining me tonight, I truly appreciate it. KenFlo says Guida had a “smart gameplan.” If putting up as little of a fight as possible is a great gameplan nowadays, I guess I agree with him. I’m going to finish off this bottle and forget everything that just happened.

-J. Jones


Fedor Emelianenko Announces Retirement Following Pedro Rizzo Win

(“Well, back at the bottom again, eh Vadim?”)

Yesterday marked the end of an era, as legendary heavyweight Fedor Emelianenko announced his retirement from MMA following his knockout victory over Pedro Rizzo. As Fedor told RIA Novosti: “I think it is time I quit. My family influenced my decision. My daughters are growing without me, that’s why it’s time to leave.”

Fedor ends his 12-year career with an overall record of 34-4 (one no-contest), highlighted by a nearly four-year stint as the heavyweight champion of PRIDE, and notable victories over Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (twice), Mark Coleman (twice), Mirko Cro Cop, Kevin Randleman, Mark Hunt, Tim Sylvia, and Andrei Arlovski.

Despite his legacy-damaging losing skid in 2010-2011 under the Strikeforce banner, the Last Emperor still managed to go out on top. Judging from his dominant performance against Rizzo — in which Fedor showed flashes of the speed and power that established him as a legend in the first place — he could have gone another five years beating up faded legends and local cans. Instead, he walks away with his health and his dignity intact, and riding a three-fight win streak since November.

Raise a glass of vodka to one of the greatest of all time, and enjoy ten classic video moments from Fedor’s career after the jump…

(Fedor knocks out Hiroya Takada in 12 seconds at RINGS: Battle Genesis Vol. 6, 9/5/00. My God this lack of human emotion.)

(Fedor gets rocked by Kazuyuki Fujita, comes back to win by rear-naked choke @ Pride 26: Bad to the Bone, 6/8/03)

(Fedor destroys Gary Goodridge @ PRIDE Total Elimination 2003, 8/10/03)

(Fedor pulls off the slickest armbar of his career against Mark Coleman @ Pride Total Elimination 2004, 4/25/04)

(Fedor survives the “Randleplex,” defeats Kevin Randleman by kimura @ PRIDE Critical Countdown 2004, 6/20/04)

(Fedor defeats Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira for the second time at Pride Shockwave 2004, 12/31/04)

(Fedor harpoons Zuluzinho at Pride Shockwave 2005, 12/31/05)

(Fedor fends off a nasty keylock attempt by Mark Hunt before giving the Super Samoan a taste of his own medicine at Pride Shockwave 2006, 12/31/06)

(Fedor blitzes Tim Sylvia @ Affliction: Banned, 7/19/08)

(Fedor knocks Andrei Arlovski out of mid-air @ Affliction: Day of Reckoning, 1/24/09)


Video: Fedor Emelianenko Knocks Out Pedro Rizzo in Russia


Fedor Emelianenko‘s hard work at the playground has paid off once again. Earlier today at an M-1 Global event in St. Petersberg, Russia, Fedor met Pedro Rizzo in his possible retirement fight, and knocked him out in the first round. “The Last Emperor” looked focused and light on his feet, and the stoppage — which came less than a minute-and-a-half into the fight — was classic Fedor. Watch as Emelianenko lands a crushing overhand right that topples Rizzo, then bounces the Rock’s head off the mat with some savage ground-and-pound.

Notable fight-fan Vladmir Putin was sitting ringside, and even more impressive was the appearance of Fedor’s brother Aleksander Emelianenko in his corner, so I guess those two knuckleheads have patched up their differences, which is nice to see. Without family, what do we really have, y’know?

To see fight videos from the undercard, go here.


Holy Sh*t, Tito Ortiz’s New Training Compound is Off the Chain, Yo [VIDEO]

(Rule #1 Tito: ALWAYS check for an Adam’s apple before you make your move.) 

When we first heard that former UFC lightweight champion Tito Ortiz had purchased Oscar De La Hoya’s training compound, with only one fight left in his career, mind you, we just wrote it off as the kind of business decision that got him fired by Donald Trump. But if you know anything about “The People’s Champ,” you know that the guy more than makes up for his interview skills with business savvy. We may not be sure of the exact figure Tito dropped on this Big Bear Lake-side abode, but you only need to catch a glimpse of the place to realize it was worth it.

Fair warning: the euphoric feeling you will receive as the incredibly gorgeous, CagePotato-loving Corissa Furr leads you around this rustic villa on the latest episode of Ultimate Insider will immediately be followed by the crushing realization that you will NEVER live in a place so nice no matter how hard you try.

First off, was anyone aware that Ortiz and Jenna Jameson were back together? The last we remember, these two were going at it on Twitter like a pair of attention-whoring celebutants. Secondly, what in holy Hell has happened to Jenna Jameson’s face? It looks like some Tijuana back alley surgeon stretched a piece of bologna over Gwyneth Paltrow’s elbow for Christ’s sake. That is not the same woman that captured America’s penises hearts with her acting talents just under a decade ago.

As if the house wasn’t enough to make you turn green with envy, one look at Ortiz’s car collection might just make you curse the heavens above for giving you the body structure and fighting ability of a thirteen year old girl. Not that we could relate, because the CP staff is built like the O’Doyle family and treats the rest of the MMA world as such. But anyway, a Rolls Royce Phantom, which Ortiz describes as “like a house on wheels, literally, that’s how much it cost” and 2012 Porsche rest outside his training facility, along with a few vehicles Ortiz probably didn’t have the time to talk about — apparently he isn’t aware that bitches really give it up for a Ford Fiesta covered in Spice Girls stickers from the previous owner.

Around the three minute mark you will find that *spoiler* De La Hoya actually built two houses on the grounds, the second of which contains yet another billiards table, a monster-sized jacuzzi, and a double staircase straight out of Scarface. All I’m saying is, if I had a place like this, not even the hundred men or more described in Toto’s “Africa” could drag me away from it. Then again, if the old hag I am currently throwing it to ever has the common decency to croak already, I may just get that opportunity.

Ortiz, on the other hand, will get the opportunity to retire Forrest Griffin from life at UFC 148, which goes down from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas on July 7th.

-J. Jones


Barnburner Alert: Che Mills vs. Duane Ludwig Booked for UFC on FUEL 5

(Duane, how many times do I have to tell you to STOP SLEEPING ON THE JOB??!!!!)

Well, well, well…it looks like the UFC has finally delivered a free card matchup that doesn’t make us yearn for the days of Arlovski/Sylvia III. Word just broke (and by just, we mean a good six or seven hours ago) that veteran strikers Duane “Bang” Ludwig and Che Mills have been paired up for UFC on FUEL 5, which goes down on September 29, 2012 at the Capital FM Arena in Nottingham, England and features a headlining matchup between heavyweight contenders Stefan Struve and Stipe Miocic. Mills broke the news via his Twitter:


After stringing together a pair of wins over Nick Osipczak and Amir Sodallah to save his UFC career, Ludwig again finds himself with his back against the wall. He has dropped his last two contests to Josh Neer (via Ambienotine) and Dan Hardy (via lead left hook of death) and could be looking at his final fight under the promotion if he is not successful against Mills. From all accounts, Ludwig is one of the nicest guys in the sport, so let’s hope he brings his A-game against Mills, who is coming off a loss of his own to welterweight wrecking machine Rory MacDonald at UFC 145. The loss snapped a five fight win streak for Mills, who kicked off his UFC career by almost kneeing off Chris Cope’s head at UFC 138. Luckily, we’ve managed to find the crappiest quality footage possible of that fight, which we’ve placed for you below.

One thing’s for sure, we won’t have to worry about either man’s grappling credentials (or lack thereof) coming into play. This should make for a hell of an addition to a card that has a distinct lack of drawing power at the moment, so who you got, Potato Nation?

-J. Jones


Photo Tribute: Chuck Liddell Parties With the Stanley Cup — And Half the World’s Female Population

Former UFC light-heavyweight champion Chuck Liddell could have been inducted into the UFC hall of fame simply for his post-fight (and pre-fight and everything in between) partying prowess. So we’re not that surprised that Liddell recently partied at an Los Angeles night club with members of the NHL champion LA Kings, Sir Stanley’s cup itself, and several little people dressed up as Oompa Loompas.

All in the night of a UFC ambassador, we suppose. In addition to a couple photos of that night courtesy of Pulitzer-winning TMZ, we’re including a collection of some of our favorite Chuck Liddell partying photos from over the years. As you’ll see, Chuck has gotten down with classy pairs of ladies, celebrities, more classy ladies, former opponents, douchebags, and piles of yet more comely finishing-school drop outs.

Here’s to you, Chuck — the world’s hardest hitting and hardest partying accountant. Cheers. Video and enviable photos await you after the jump…

Liddell doing a keg Stanley Cup stand

This is how Liddell parties before a fight (specifically UFC 71). Boss.

Liddell takes time out to pose with some douche

Liddell doesn’t even let total loathing and lack of respect for someone get in the way of partying with them

Sleep is the cousin of death so Chuck always keeps his eyes open while with the ladies


This is what Liddell wakes up to every morning

No one is immune to a hard St. Patty’s day

- Elias Cepeda




And the Plague Continues: TUF Brazil Finalist Daniel Sarafian Injured, Out of UFC 147

(Wanderlei Silva, seen here mirroring the feelings of everyone who purchased a ticket for any UFC event this summer.) 

The tales of UFC 147-UFC 149 are not unlike the tale of Meg Ryan. What started off as a moderately attractive, if not rather inviting group of cards, has undergone so many face lifts and botched botox injections that they have been left a hollowed, sun-dried husk of what it once was. It has gotten so bad, in fact, that most of us can’t even recognize the frumpy, blonde haired cards we fell in love with in the first place and now must resort to faking it. “It” being interest.

So you’ll forgive our apathy as we inform you that TUF: Brazil finalist Daniel Sarafian has been forced to withdraw from his matchup with fellow finalist Cezar “Mutante” Ferreira less than a week out from UFC 147. broke the news:

The Ultimate Fighter Brazil® middleweight favorite Daniel Sarafian, who earned a spot in the finals with an impressive flying-knee knockout, has been injured and cannot compete in this Saturday’s UFC® 147: Silva vs. Franklin II.

Stepping in for Sarafian at the Finale will be jiu-jitsu expert Sergio “Serginho” Moraes, a Team Vitor prospect who was switched to Team Wanderlei mid-season and made it to the semifinals. Moraes will now face coach Vitor Belfort’s protege Cezar “Mutante” Ferreira in a three-round bout to determine the first-ever middleweight winner of The Ultimate Fighter Brazil®.

The featherweight finals will feature Rony “Jason” Mariano Bezerra of Team Wanderlei fighting teammate GodoFredo Pepey, who also started out on Team Vitor.

So, as of this moment, UFC 147 is basically a glorified TUF Finale card…that now lacks both the original matchup between the show’s coaches and the original matchup to determine one of the winners of said TUF season. But, fret not, the featherweight final match will still go down as scheduled. So there’s that.

Since we’re obviously past the point where we can do a fight picking type contest for you guys, does anyone wanna take a swing at how low UFC 147′s PPV numbers will be? Because we’re guessing one level below piss poor.

Here’s the remaining lineup for those of you who give two shits.

Main card:
Rich Frankin vs. Wanderlei Silva
Cezar “Mutante” Ferreira vs. Sergio “Serginho” Moraes (“TUF: Brazil” middleweight final)
Rony “Jason” Mariano Bezerra vs. Godofredo “Pepey” de Oliveira (“TUF: Brazil” featherweight final)
Mike Russow vs. Fabricio Werdum
Yuri Alcantara vs. Hacran Dias

Preliminary card:
Rodrigo Damm vs. Anistavio “Gasparzinho” Medeiros
Francisco “Massaranduba” Drinaldo vs. Delson “Pe de Chumbo” Heleno
John “Macapa” Teixeira vs. Hugo “Wolverine” Viana
Leonardo “Macarrao” Mafra Teixeira vs. Thiago de Oliveira Perpetuo
Marcos Vinicius “Vina” Borges Pancini vs. Wagner “Galeto” Campos
Felipe Arantes vs. Milton Vieira

-J. Jones


Can-Crushing Roundup: Tim Sylvia and Jong Dae Kim Win with Little Opposition

Hope you jerks are having a better Father’s Day than some of us.

Yesterday didn’t just provide us with depressing fights from former contenders. We also got to witness a fight from former champion Tim Sylvia and Jong Dae Kim attempt to win The Bob Sapp Challenge™. Okay, so it was still somewhat depressing. But at least you won’t feel guilty for pointing and laughing at anyone involved, so what else can you ask for?

Tim Sylvia has been making a valiant effort to win fights and get back to the UFC as of late- although the overwhelming majority of his battles have taken place on Twitter and YouTube. Fresh off of back-to-back TKO losses to Patrick Cote and dignity, Tim Sylvia decided to do his fighting inside the cage last night against Randy Smith, a thirty-eight year old journeyman who entered the bout with a 13-10-1 professional record. A can of his caliber shouldn’t last ten seconds in the cage with a former UFC champion, yet Smith defied the odds by being knocked out twelve seconds into the first round.

Impressive victory over a game opponent? Not so much. Will it take our minds off of his last effort, a forgettable decision over Andreas Kraniotakes at the abysmal Pro Elite 2: Big Guns? Trick question- we’ve blocked that fight from our memories a long time ago. Low-Quality to the point of being virtually unwatchable video after the jump? You betcha.

As for Jong Dae Kim? He fought Bob Sapp at last night’s Road FC 8 in Seoul, South Korea. And believe it or not, Bob Sapp actually fought back. For a few moments, it even looked like Bob Sapp would win. We’re only one week removed from Tölegen Akylbekov setting the bar for The Bob Sapp Challenge™ at one minute, twenty four seconds, yet the bar has already been raised to three minutes, fourteen seconds of round two. That’s not a typo. Enjoy.


Outrage of the Day: Clay Guida to Braid His Hair for Bout Following Complaint From Gray Maynard’s Camp

Previous experiments have involved a flat iron and a tub of Crisco.

We enjoy a great hairdo as much as the next guy, but it’s not often that one plays a role in the outcome of a fight. Back in the day, Jason Fairn and Guy Mezger famously made a gentlemen’s agreement not to tug on each other’s locks during their fight, and more recently Louis Gaudinot has considered chopping off his tresses after his hair hampered his performance against John Lineker. Those men took a look in the mirror and decided the fate of their own follicles, an option that has sadly been taken out of the hands of Clay Guida.

“The Carpenter’s” signature coiffure was recently placed on the proverbial chopping block after Gray Maynard‘s camp filed a formal complaint with the New Jersey State Athletic Control Board. Sanctioning bodies are responsible for determining “whether head or facial hair presents any hazard to the safety of the unarmed combatant or his opponent or will interfere with the supervision and conduct of the contest or exhibition.” Though Guida has the right to contest Camp Maynard’s objection to his hair, he has opted to braid his Medusa-like top for their bout rather than bog himself down with legal wranglings. spoke with the NJSACB’s Nick Lembo on Guida’s options in the matter:

“He doesn’t want to do it, and I don’t believe he’s 100 percent happy about it, but he’s being very understanding and very cooperative about it and he agreed to it. Otherwise, if he said, ‘No, I’m not going to do that,’ we’d have to have a hearing on it and let both sides present their case and have a commissioner’s ruling on the issue.”

John Fosco, Guida’s manager, also spoke with the Junkie about the Carpenter’s mindset headed into the fight:

“Clay chose to avoid any distractions and simply complied. Clay will be braiding his hair back. Clay is not focused on this and has one objective: winning. Nothing will distract him from his goal.”

Maynard wants it made clear that he couldn’t care less about Guida’s hair when they climb in the cage next Friday. Speaking with Duane Finley, the fighter stated that he personally had nothing to do with the complaint and isn’t concerned with the matter.

I for one think that Athletic Commissions have more important things to worry about than legislating hair styles and grooming habits, but if they do go down this road, might I suggest a good place to start?